Subreality: The Hellsing way
by Marieko
Summary: The Hellsing sisters decide it's time for a vacation. And what better place than the world where all characters great and small from any fiction go to party? Panic ensues.
1. Vacation!

Author: (cracks knuckles) Okay, I'll take a whack at this type of writing

Setsuna: She has that crazy look in her eyes… the one that tells me that if this doesn't work she may blow up the computer

Author: Yes, well I've had too many mess up's in my life to be able to deal with another one. I've recently found about the thing called the Subreality café ( although I use the concept quite often in my fics. So I decided. Why not?

Setsuna: That's not a decision, that's a question.

Author: (eyebrow twitches) just shut up and enjoy the story… Oh i almost forgot. I DONT OWN THE CONCEPT OF SUBREALITY CAFE!! All i own is my characters. and even then i think they may own me. So yes, enjoy the show!

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The fog was as thick as pea soup. As soon as the thought passed in her mind, the girl trekking through it smelt something that smelled suspiciously of pea soup. "Are we there yet?" she wined. 

"Almost… just a few more steps…" Three girls stepped out of the pea soup fog and into the dim light of a street lamp. They looked at each other confusedly, as their journey was cut off a bit sudden.

The one who had first spoken wrapped a finger around a lock of long blue hair with silver streaks. Her electric blue eyes blinked in the light, as she dropped the suitcase she was carrying and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. She appeared to be around 6 ft. 3, but that could have been because of the blue platform sandals. Tight jeans covered her long legs. They were covered with writing done in different colours of ink. They went well (or maybe they clashed) with a green scoop neck t-shirt that was cut at the bottom to show off a flash of stomach. Over the shirt was a leather trench coat that looked a bit warn. She lit her cigarette and put it to her mouth, taking a drag. She looked expectantly to her companions "Well?" she demanded "Where to from here?"

A girl with dark blue hair took off the backpack that looked like it held everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink and began to go through it. "It's somewhere in here." she murmured, her blue eyes lowering to the contents of the overstuffed bag. For a moment in the light a slit of silver in her right eye flashed. She was also wearing jeans, though they were torn and patched to the max. Safety pins and words decorated them. Her shirt was a red t' with a sunburst on it. Scuffed Tennis shoes covered her feet. Silver jewelry flashed in the light as she dug through her pack, bringing out random things as she went.

"God Raye, why do you always have to bring so much crap?" said the shortest girl in the group. Her gray eyes showed annoyance. She had blue-silver hair that was cut choppy and short with bangs that slightly hung into her face. She was wearing tight jeans with holes at the knees. Her shoes were scuffed maroon van's. Her gray t-shirt had white words on it proclaiming "Tragedy is when I cut my finger, Comedy is when a man falls into an open manhole and dies" Her only accessories were a white cloth over her forehead and a black and white checkered belt.

The girl known as Raye looked up from her searching "Well, you never know what we will need." she said, bringing out a monopoly game then smiled triumphantly. "Here it is!" she pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and began ramming things back into her bag.

Both of her companions rolled their eyes. "However did we get such a strange sister?" the one in the trench coat asked.

Bunny raised an eloquent eyebrow "You're one to talk Setsuna. At least she didn't try and bring a bag just for booze."

Setsuna shrugged. "What can I say? We needed to stay hydrated."

Bunny snorted, her meaning obvious.

"Okay, well it looks like the Café should be…" Raye observed the map. "Right in front of us!" she said, smiling at her sisters.

They took an anime fall and looked at the building they were standing in front of. Right there, in neon letters were the words "Subreality Café"

They sweat dropped. Setsuna picked up her suitcase. "Well lets go in then!" she said, refusing to admit that she hadn't noticed the obvious building in the first place.

Raye beat her to the door, opening it and holding it for them smiling. Setsuna went in, smiling at her sister as she passed. Bunny walked after her and Raye closed the door behind them.

They stepped into a smoky bar. On the far wall was a long bar, every kind of alcoholic beverage imaginable behind it. Booths lined one wall as solitary tables and chairs in the middle of the room, a bit of floor cleared for the occasional dancer. Other seating included high swivel chairs at the bar. There was a jukebox in the corner that was currently playing a Pink song. The lighting was a soft blue-green, making the smoke look slightly like water. The smell of booze and food filled the air.

"Wait… I know this bar…" Bunny murmured.

"It's my bar!" Setsuna said, dropping her bag and biting her lip in a thoughtful manner.

"Which means-" Raye started.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?" a voice screamed from across the room.

"Author-chan's here." Raye finished.

"Marieko?" Setsuna asked incredulously

"What the hell are you doing here?" demanded Bunny.

A short girl hopped off of a barstool and stomped in their direction. She had longish blonde hair with purple streaks that curled around her face, emerald green eyes glaring. She was extremely pale, standing out in contrast with her dark clothes. She had a fairy dress that started it's life out as a black extra large T. It now had an off the shoulder neck and straps tying it to her neck. Black boots covered her feet and red and black stockings climbed her legs. She had a few rings on her long fingers, and many dangling earrings from her ears, but besides that and a nose ring she was unadorned. "I'm taking a vacation from you people!" she said, crossing her arms and glaring "Which means you guys should go back to your fan fictions and leave me be!"

"We aren't going anywhere." Bunny said, mirroring her stance. Bunny looked pretty menacing, even though the girl in front of her was a few inches taller.

Raye, who didn't have to worry about the blonde girl being taller said "But you gave us vacation time. We heard about a place where fictives go when they're off duty. We thought it would be cool to come here. And since we're already here, we'd rather not go back."

"Yeah." Setsuna contributed "And you cant make us do anything. As only an author, we outnumber you." she said, smirking.

Marieko, remembering the stories she had heard of Writers getting thrown out on their asses when they pissed of the wrong people, sighed. "Fine. But I'm on vacation. No annoying me."

"We'll act just as well behaved as we always do." smiled Raye.

Marieko's eyes widened and she muttered "Goddess help us, but I need more booze." she crossed back to the bar and gulped down the rest of her drink, then motioned for the bartender to pour her another.

"Nice going Raye, I think Author-chan just lost 20 years of her life." Setsuna said smiling.

Raye pouted, looking innocent "What did I do?" then cracked a smile.

"If you two are quite finished, we've been walking all afternoon and I for one want to sit down." said Bunny tiredly.

"But of course!" Setsuna said smiling. "this vacation's gonna be fun!"


	2. People! Everywhere!

They crossed to the bar and sat, motioning for the bartender's attention. She was right now pouring a drink for an already inebriated Nobu, recognized from the manga Nana. She had dark purple spiked hair. Her skin was a smooth blue colour. Her clothes included a white button up shirt and pin striped pants, as well as a vest and tie. She looked like she was a waitress for an upscale restaurant if it weren't for her odd colouring.

"What'll it be?" she asked from across the bar.

"Sex on the Beach." said 'Suna

"Cherry Vodka." Raye ordered.

"A white wine." Bunny said.

"Coming right up." the bartender said. Three glasses appeared in front of them as various drink containers levitated over. Their drinks were poured and made as if by invisible hands.

They picked up their drinks and began to sip. They looked around, curious as to who was there. "Oh Raye, fox at eight o'clock."

Raye twirled to see what Setsuna indicated. At one of the booths sat a Suichi Minamo and a Yoko Kurama talking over coffee. "Score! See ya guys!" Raye said, hopping down from her stool. She pushed her hair back and smoothed her jeans out while throwing a "Watch my bag." to her sisters.

Setsuna laughed at her sister then something else caught her eye. "Hm… while she's going after her Suichi, I'll go keep Author-chan from raping hers." At a secluded table sat Suichi Shindo and Yuki Eiri making out. Marieko was headed towards them with a look in her eyes.

Setsuna grabbed her and pulled her back. "Control yourself Marieko! Don't scar them for life okay babe?"

"I can do whatever I want!" proclaimed Marieko, struggling to get to her gay lovers.

"Fine." Setsuna rolled her eyes and let loose the crazy author in her arms. "But don't blame me when you scare them away." Setsuna went back to the bar, seeing Bunny talking to a blonde man with blue eyes who was wearing all black. Setsuna deduced, by the amount of firearms he was wearing, that he could only be Edward from the Anita Blake Series.

Setsuna sat back down and ordered another drink. She looked out into the room, leaning her back against the bar. "If I were someone interesting, where would I sit?" she saw various characters from anime, books, comics, movies, plays. Hamlet having a debate with Battle Angel Alita, Veronica Mars having a heated discussion with The Earl Cain, and Hermione Granger locking lips with Ron Weasly.

The room wasn't just filled with various copyrighted characters, but also some random people who Setsuna instinctively knew where just like her. They were fictives, people created by Writers like Marieko.

Speaking of the insane chick, she was currently leaning out of the door screaming "AW! You guy's are no fun! I just wanted to tape it!!" She came back in, pouting, and noticed her blue haired personality's attention. She stuck her tongue out before going back to the bar to nurse her alcohol.

"This seat taken?" asked a voice beside her that she recognized instantly. She turned to see a man with black hair that was slicked back from his face, revealing chocolate brown eyes. He was wearing dark skin-tight jeans tucked into boots and a black wife beater. He looked down at her like pure sex incarnate.

The only thing that stopped her from pouncing him right then and there was the fact that he was rapped around a shorter man with spiked black hair and red eyes. He was wearing an all black outfit and was glaring at her coldly. As if Hiei knew what Setsuna was thinking, and didn't want her touching his man.

"Um no. Go ahead." she said, gesturing vaguely to the seat. Yusuke sat down beside her and proceeded to talk in hushed tones to his lover.

Setsuna sighed, and looked deeply into her drink.

"Yo! Sets' I'm gonna go ahead to the hotel. I'll see you later." Raye said. She was standing in-between the two foxes, her bag on her shoulder.

"Okay. Have fun. And use protection!" she yelled after them.

She glanced to Bunny who's conversational group had grown larger. It now included Hannibal Lector, Jizabel Disraeli, Wade Wilson, Desire, and a few fictives as well. From snippets of their heated conversation most of the talk centered around murder and violence.

Setsuna rolled her eyes and went on to seeing what Author-sama was doing. She saw the blonde girl scribbling furiously in a sketch book. Looking up from time to time at a Gambit across the room.

Setsuna snorted then gulped the rest of the drink down. She slapped a tip down on the counter, setting the cup on top of it. "I'm gonna go to the hotel. Don't wait up Bun-Bun. She said, grabbing her bags.

A hand from the middle of the now pretty large crowd waved her on.

Setsuna stepped out into the dreary, drizzly night. "Wait…" she muttered "Where is the hotel?"


	3. Marys and White Rabbits

Setsuna walked out into the street, befuddled as to what to do. Raye had the only map to this labyrinth-like place. She was all alone in a town filled with fictitious characters, not all of them very pleasant. She had no clue where the hell her hotel was, nor was there much a way to find them.

"You look lost, may I help you?" Beside the blue haired half-demon stood a white rabbit with a pocket watch. The symbolism was not lost on her.

She looked to the heavens and asked "Why must you have a sense of humor?" then looked down at Lewis Carroll's character. "Yeah, can you tell me where the hotel is?"

"Which one?"

Setsuna looked dumbfounded, not willing to believe that the problem just got harder. "The one that takes fictives, I don't know!"

"Alright. Follow me."

"You're not going to lead me to a rabbit hole are you?" she muttered.

If the rabbit heard her he made no indication. Instead, he headed off into the night. Setsuna followed behind him, wondering if this was such a good idea. After a few minuets of trying to keep track of the twists and turns she gave up, following blindly. She kept a hand on the gun at the small of her back.

She rounded one corner and realized it was a dead end. "Aw crap." she said, drawing the gun. In front of her the white rabbit looked up into her eyes, not even acknowledging the gun.

"Sorry, but the queen says that if I don't work for them it's off with my head." He jumped into a shadow, apparently in all actuality a rabbit hole.

Setsuna sighed. "This is supposed to be a VACATION. Do you not know what a vacation is?" she asked the heavens, while turning to whatever awaited her at the mouth of the alley way.

There stood a pack of the most feared creatures in all of fiction-dum… MARY-SUES!!! They stood there looking at her in all of their perfect glory. Fortunately, Setsuna had dealt with them before, and knew not to look them in the boobs. She swallowed nervously, for as I have mentioned she had seen their likes before.

"I've already given you my answer." she said, her mouth dry.

"You know you cant resist us." said one with long, dark, purple hair and bright green eyes.

"Just accept who you are." a buxom girl with short black hair coaxed.

"You are one of us." continued one with violet eyes and curly brown hair.

"ONE OF US!!" all of them screamed.

Setsuna jumped, crawling up onto the roof of the building. Luckily, at this vantage point she could see her destination far on the horizon. She ran like she had never run before.

"Don't try and resist it Setsuna!" one yelled.

"I'm not like you!! I am flawed!! I'm an alcoholic, I have anger management problems, I curse, I'm lude, people hate my guts!! I'M NOT A MARY-SUE I'M JUST REALLY HOT!!" Setsuna hollered, trying to keep ahead of the group of rabid Mary-sues behind her.

She tried firing behind her, though she knew that they were bullet proof. She could see the hotel in the distance, seeing it as a sanctuary. She knew no Mary-Sue could make it through the doors.

"All you need is a bit of training!" one said behind her, grabbing onto a chunk of blue hair. Setsuna grabbed the chunk, wrapping it around her hand and pulled, almost sending her sprawling. She caught her balance, but at the loss of the firearm she had to leave behind She ran full out now, praying she would make it before the girls behind her made into a walking sex machine… okay… um… a walking sex machine with an ego problem?

Before Setsuna could contemplate exactly what WAS the difference between a Mary-sue and herself, she found the door to the hotel in front of her. She grabbed the handle and pulled, throwing herself inside and slamming the door behind her. With her momentum all she could do is keep herself from landing on her face when she fell to the floor.

She panted, calming her heart and trying to relearn how to breath. She could hear bodies being thrown at the door, though she knew they wouldn't be able to get in.

She looked up from her position on the hardwood floor, taking a peek at her surroundings. The place was decked out like a regular house. She was in a large hallway, and she could see doorways leading to the rest of the first floor. Right in front of her was a staircase.

This moment down the staircase came a disheveled Raye. "What's going on?" she asked peevishly.

The door opened behind Setsuna. Before she could think, she was cowering behind her little sister. Through the door squeezed Bunny. "Were you aware a bunch of scantily clad women were standing at our doorstep?" the silver haired shorty asked.

"Mary-Sues!" Setsuna asked.

Raye looked down at her on edge sister "They're after you again hm?"

"Yes. But I refuse! I am not one of them!!" Setsuna yelled defiantly.

Raye rolled her eyes "Better a Mary-Sue than a whore."

"Nu-uh! I am a whore, but I am no Mary-Sue!!"

Bunny raised an eyebrow "I wasn't aware there was a difference…"

Setsuna made an indignant sound. "Humph. I can tell I am so unloved!" she said, straightening up and going back to her self-assured self.

"HEY!! NEW PEOPLE! SHUT UP BEFORE I COME DOWN THERE AND MAKE YOU!!" someone yelled down from top floor.

Raye sighed. "Come on, I'll show you to your rooms. We'll start partying tomorrow."


	4. Salt an' Sugah

Author: okie peeps. i re-did this chapter cause i forgot that i had finished it then i remembered so i combined the two i had into this Uber chapter. so it's special

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Raye woke up, taking the opportunity to yawn and stretch. Her room looked like any kind of bedroom you'd find in any house. The bed was a queen size, big enough to fit three people… she had made sure of that. The walls were painted a nice blue colour, contrasting nicely to the hardwood floors. There was a large picture window on the outside wall. A little bit of sunlight peeked through the light curtains. Raye hadn't bothered to unpack last night so her bag was sitting on top of the small circular table in the corner of the room. This meant the set of drawers were empty.

Raye swung her feet over the edge of the bed. Her toes met a fluffy blue rug as she stood up. She rubbed sleep out of her eyes as she walked to the door and threw it open.

She blinked in the light as her eyes tried to adjust. She pushed back the fly-aways of her hair that was pulled back in a long braid. She shuffled into the world in her dark blue happy bunny pajamas.

In her sleep-filled stupor, she didn't even notice the blue haired demon lurking behind her.

The house was ominously quiet as she shuffled down the stairs. She didn't even hear the footsteps behind her.

She finally reached the ground floor and turned left into the kitchen. She looked at a group of people sitting around the table, noticing that her sister Bunny was there as well. The group turned to her and their eyes widened. "wha-"

Raye felt a smack to her head and maniacal laughter behind her. She whirled around in time to see Setsuna running around a corner, a dejected pillow on the floor.

"What the hell?" Raye asked no one in particular.

"She's been like that all morning. I think she finally snapped." Bunny explained, spooning sugar into her coffee. She took a gulp but spit it out. "What the hell? Was that salt?" she looked at her coffee cup.

Evil laughter was heard through the house. "The first step to ruling the world is now accomplished! All salt has become sugar and all sugar has become salt!!"

Raye raised an eyebrow. "In other words she went through the house switching the sugar with salt."

"DON'T TELL ALL MY SECRETS RAYYYYEEEE!!" screamed the blue haired half demon.

Her younger sister rolled her eyes. "Maybe she O.D.'d on Koolaid? You know how that affects her." she suggested while filling her bowl with cereal.

"I don't think so. Usually that just makes her make the wall cry." Bunny said.

"How the hell can you make the wall cry?" asked a green haired man with angel wings.

"Give Setsuna Koolaid and you'll find out." Raye said before stuffing frosted flakes in her mouth.

The group at the table heard something at the door and turned to see Setsuna. She was crawling on the floor as if she had been in the desert two days to long. "My brain… it's frying… someone… help… I see the light… Mom is that you? It's so cold… I'm dying aren't I? Goodbye… cruel, cruel world… I hope you get stabbed to death by rabid squirrels…" and with that her body went limp.

"Mom's not even dead you moron." Bunny said, going back to her coffee.

"So?" asked the body on the floor. "I couldn't think of anyone and you have to be visited by a relative in a really good death scene."

"That was a good death scene?" asked a blonde girl with cat ears.

All of the sudden Setsuna had a katana pointed at the girl's throat. "You want me to show you a good death scene? I can. I'm not cleaning up the blood though."

"Setsuna knock it off! And since when did you start carrying a katana?" Raye asked.

The bi-polar fictive put the sword away in thin air. "Dunno. That's just the first thing I grabbed." she said before disappearing in a puff of purple smoke. They would have been worried if they didn't hear a crash farther in the house and a "SHIT THAT HURT!!" fall from her mouth.

"so… what do you think is making Setsuna act like an insipid gecko on crack?" Raye asked.

"I think that the Mary Sues did something to her." Bunny said. Sipping black coffee.

"It's not unheard of. I know someone who is still in therapy from it." said a girl with bright purple hair and blue skin.

"Seriously?" Raye said in mid chew.

"uh-hu" she nodded.

Bunny and Raye exchanged glances. "Author." they said simultaneously.

Suddenly Marieko appeared in the doorway dressed in a blue sundress with black fishnet underneath. Combat boots covered her feet and silver jewelry covered her arms and ears. Her hair was pulled up in a pony tail, falling down in a curly mass. "You rang?" she said sarcastically.

"Do you feel any different today?" Raye asked.

"Um… No… do YOU feel any different today?"

Before the girls could explain a body jumped the Author from behind. She landed on her face, Setsuna on top of her. "WHAT THE FUCK!!" Marieko yelled

"I GOT HER!! I GOT THE PURPLE PICKLE!!"

"I AM NOT A VIOLET DOG YOU CRACK HEAD!!"

"Huh?" asked the occupants of the table who weren't used to the insanity associated with the Hellsing's.

"Pickles are actually a rare breed of dogs." Bunny said as Raye jumped up to haul Setsuna off of Author-chan.

"Setsuna! You've been drugged by the Mary Sues."

Setsuna slipped out of Raye's grasp and went running through the house singing "I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS! THERE THEY ARE A STANDING IN A ROW!!"

Raye hoisted the Author up to her feet. "Now you see why we asked if you were feeling different. Sense you are a part of Sets' we figured you'd be affected too." Raye explained.

Marieko looked up at Raye "really? I kinda figured that OUT!" the reason her the last word was suddenly raised to a high pitch was that her body began to change. She suddenly shot up to six foot tall, falling back against the table at the change. Her hair got longer and escaped from her pony tail. Her eyes got brighter and her skin turned to moonlight. Her mouth got pouty and turned to a vermilion colour. Her boobs grew, straining against the material of her shirt. Her waist got thinner, giving her a willowy look.

Marieko noticed the change, her eyes the size of saucers. She looked up to her characters and whispered "I look like a Mary-Sue…"


	5. The Curse

A group of strange creatures were gathered around a kitchen table. Those strange creatures were fictives, characters from some random person's fanfiction. Well, except for one person, who was just a shadow of her former self. That person was Marieko, author extraordinaire. This particular ill-fated chick was cursed. Cursed with the most dangerous and vilest of all cursed: The Curse of the Mary-Sue!

"And apparently the Curse of the Really Stupid Monologue." said Bunny.

"Shut up. I'm a fucking Mary-Sue I'm aloud to be melodrafreekingmatic." she said, taking a shot of vodka from a bottle that had appeared from nowhere.

"I didn't know The Curse of the Mary-Sue could affect authors. I thought they only affected fictives." said the green haired angel to Marieko's right.

"Usually, but I'm not really an "Author" I'm just an avatar. For me to be an actual author would mean I had to have found a way to transdimensheate which I have yet to do. Anyway, since I am in fact a character of myself, I am susceptible to The Curse, it's just that I cant contract it myself. My better half was cursed, but it somehow found the link to me and just inflicted her with mild insanity, while it inflicted me with the perfect body."

"I've never heard anyone say the perfect body was an infliction." said the blonde cat-girl.

"Look at me! I'm a fucking giant! I'm supposed to be a midget! And no normal breasts are supposed to be this large without my stomach being much bigger. If I have to deal with this for to long I'm going to have back problems!"

"Poor Author-chan." Raye said sympathetically.

"See! This is a nice girl, she loves me, and knows that I'm in pain. You're my new favourite Raye." Marie said, hugging her fictive.

"I FEEL SO UNLOVED!" yelled Setsuna from somewhere.

"And so you shall remain motherfucker! It's your fault that I look like a nymphomaniac-freak!"

"YOU MADE ME!!! THEREFORE ANYTHING I SAY OR DO IS YOUR FAULT!"

"Don't argue fanfiction theories with me, I'll beat you down!"

"Hey, hey, calm yourselves." Raye said.

"I DON'T WANNA!" they both yelled.

"Just lock them up in a padded room until the curse wears off." Bunny suggested.

"Are you sure it wears off?" the cat girl asked.

"Yeah what if it doesn't?" the green angel continued.

"Oh that would suck." Raye said.

"Understatement of the year." Marieko muttered.

Raye started rummaging in her backpack. "I know it's here somewhere…" she said under her breath. After a while she removed a very large volume. It's title was "Curses, Diseases and Medical Crap of the Fanfiction World."

"Wow. I didn't know there would be enough diseases involved in fanfictions to make a medical dictionary." Bunny said impressed

"Well sure, there's the strange disease that's fatal and cant be cured, the magical aging to a teenager curse… and other stuff like how to best go about male pregnancies." Raye explained, while flipping around.

Soon she found what she was looking for. It was in the section of "Curses" and under the M's, right under the curse that makes all M&M's purple.

Curse of the Mary-Sue

Symptoms: sudden beautification, increased nymphomania, increased intelligence while "blondeness" is also increased at the same time, sudden irresistibility, increase in power, and the sudden love for incredibly short skirts.

Causes: You've been cursed by a Mary-Sue. This is how Mary-Sues are created, no one is quite sure how the FIRST Mary-Sue was created, or who in fact the first Mary-Sue is.

History: The Curse has been around since the dawn of time. Evident in myths, Aphrodite being one of the first, though it was probably around long before them.

Cures: Incurable as far as we know. Not much is known about this curse, unless Mary-Sues know more… and they don't want people to know the cure… cause they're evil…

Rehab: there are centers for Mary-Sue control in your area! Although it cannot be cured it can be contained. Those afflicted will be taken out of the fictive job so as not to contaminate their community. They will no longer be able to corrupt good stories. The food sucks too, but at least you wont be angering the readers with anger-management problems. This is a good thing as they are likely to come after you with sporks.

Raye closed the book. "Well… you're screwed." she said.

"No I'm not! What we'll have to do is hunt down some Mary-Sues and question them" she got a devious look in her eye. "Then we get the cure, and I'll never have to deal with this again."

"I don't think it'll be that easy…" Bunny said.

"Look, do you want your sister to be a blithering idiot the rest of her life?"

"No!" both Hellsings said.

"Well, then unless you have a better idea we'll do it my way."

They exchanged glances then sighed. "Fine. Let's go hunt some Mary-Sues."


	6. Catching Mary

Author: Interesting chapter i thought. Kinda short, but i'm not sure where i'm going with this so... it's to be expected. Enjoy!

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"How exactly does one hunt Mary-Sues?" asked Bunny after they had been wandering around for about an hour.

"How the hell do i know?" replied a testy Marieko.

"Whas wit tha crazy-ladys digs?" Setsuna whispered to her younger sister who was holding on to her to keep her from running off.

The author avatar was wearing sunglasses that covered half her face, a bright scarf wrapped around her hair and neck, and a white leather trench coat. Blood red lipstick was her only adornment.

"I think the better question is what's with your accent?" Raye asked back

"I wanted to ask something that made sence but i couldnt do that cause of the curse so i asked it in a funny accent." Setsuna explained.

"huh. That actually kind of made sence." Raye mused.

"Oh no! You must be infected too!" Setsuna exclaimed. She grabbed her sister by the shoulders and turned her to face her. "FIGHT IT RAYE! FIGHT IT! YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT POODLE!"

"Snap out of it!" Raye slapped her older sister.

Setsuna blinked at her. "That's my Raye-chan." She hugged her sister tightly "I knew you were strong enough."

"Setsuna... choking..." Setsuna jused tightened her hold.

As the frying pan connected with her head Setsuna crumpled to the ground. "OWie! How dast you plunder me with mine own friend!" she glared up at Marieko, who was sticking the frying pan back into her purse.

"I dont think you used the word plunder right. Maybe you were thinking pummel?"

Setsuna stood and dusted herself off, glaring at the Author the whole time "Plunderer."

Bunny sighed. "Come on people. It's not like they're just gonna come up to us and introduce themselves. They know who we are."

"But i'm all descised like." Marieko said poutily.

"Is THAT what that is?" Bunny raised an eyebrow.

Marieko glared. "shut up."

"Wont they want to get Setsy to i dont know... make her pledge her alegence to their cause and drink the blood of virgins or something?" Raye asked.

Everyone just stared at her. "BRILLIANT!" Marieko exclamed. "Of course they'll want her. We shall set her up as bait, then follow to their lair."

"What about when she opens her mouth? They'll see something's up." Bunny pointed out.

Marieko crossed over to where Setsuna was standing. She grabbed the character's head and lifted her face up too look her in the eyes. "You can stay sane enough for us cant you? I know you have enough strengh and sence in your head to do that. Hold it together and I'll give you as much booze after all this is finished that you want."

Setsuna smiled and tilted her head "You have pretty eyes."

Marie stepped back, dumbfounded.

"We're doomed!" Raye said.

"Was my own character just hitting on me? Deja vu... Have we done this before?" Marieko muttered.

"Okay people. We'll play this by ear. Let's just get those Mary-Sues. Before Setsuna drives us all crazy." Bunny rolled her eyes.

"YEAH! We can do it if we all work together and believe in the power of friendship!" Setsuna cheered.

Raye looked at Bunny, pain in her eyes. "Hurry."

Setsuna was drinking a Martini at the bar. She drew pictures on the mahogany wood with the condensation. She hummed tunelessly to her self.

"Well what do we have here?" said a girl who stood beside her. The girl had straight purple hair that ended past her shoulders. Her big blue eyes shined and imposibly so did her pale skin. She was tall and thin, dressed in a powder blue slip and matching high heels. "I'm Tiffany, as in Breakfast at. I'm your M.S. guide."

Setsuna looked up at her "I like your hair. It's very... purple."

That made Tiffany smile. "Thanks. You're not so bad yourself. Now come with me. Got to get you home." She held out her hand.

Setsuna looked at it for a second before taking it. Tiffany's smile widened. "Come on." She pulled Setsuna to her and started walking out of the room.

As they reached the street they didnt notice as three silent shadows begin to follow them. They walked hand in hand down many winding streets, Tiffany leading.

Soon they came to a huge pink mansion with white trimming. There was a white picket fence seperating it, and it's bright green lawn, from the rest of subreality. Infront of the fence was a painted sign that read "Mary Sue's House."

Tiffany pushed back the gate and led Setsuna through. They walked down the stone path to the front door. Not even bothering to knock, Tiffany opened it for Setsuna. Both girls walked through the door way.

A few silent minuets passed before the three shadows seperated from the shadows of the city. "Now to break in and get me my body back!" the three went to push open the gate and found an impenetrable force in their way.

"DAMNIT! A force field!" Marieko cursed.

"We should have known." Bunny said.

"But if it's to let Mary Sue's in, why cant i cross it?"

"I must have been right. There is an initiation... that means..."

"If Setsuna goes through that initiation she'll be a Mary Sue forever."


	7. Sorting Hat

Author: Yes i'm updating this one again... i just couldnt help it. Mary Sues amuse the bejesus out of me and i really like this concept that i am developing. Once again I'd like to thank Wikipedia for its wonderful help with research. I also used google to help with the different types of Mary Sues... that was like pulling teeth... Also I'd like to say i tested Setsy with several "Mary Sue litmus tests" I got one perfectly well rounded character, one boarderline, and one Uber Sue... needless to say that didnt tell be anything.

* * *

Setsuna glanced back at the door as she was ushered through a hallway. She frowned, feeling like she'd forgotten something very important.

Tiffany's voice interrupted her desperate attempt at sanity. "As you may or may not know there are three main types of Mary Sues that we have to keep separated for health issues. That's the Marty Stus, the Anti Sues and then us. The reason we have to separate the Marty Stus from the females is because with them... well we'd never get anything done!" She giggled and it sounded like the tinkling of bells. "We keep the Anti Sues separated because... well... they're so depressing. What with all the ugly and psychoness. They're kind of a disgrace to the Sue name. But we must take care of them, it's our duty." A sudden widening of the hall brought them to an immense chamber. It slightly resembled a study room in a library. About twenty rows of tables were set out in front of them, six computers to a table. Bookshelves lined the walls, filled to the brim with books. Above the bookshelves pictures were hung. The pictures reached all the way to the ceiling which had a huge dome skylight situated in the middle.

"Whas tha picture?" Setsuna pointed to a very large picture right in front of them. It had a heavy wood frame painted black. It was of a beaming fifteen and a half year old girl.

"That is our namesake." Tiffany said, a chill to her voice. "Lieutenant Mary Sue. She was created by Paula Smith in 1973 in a quaint little story called "A Trekkies Tale". Unfortunately it was a parody, meant to make fun of characters like this. We honour her as our name sake, but also know her as the bane of our existence. The jealousy we are subject to because of our superior beauty, minds, and powers." Tiffany sighed. "Well, this is the history room. The computers hold every fanfiction known in existence to hold a Mary Sue. All the books on the shelves hold Cannon Sues, whilst the pictures on the walls depict our forefathers and mothers. We got one of our Harry Potter Sues to animate them like that." she said proudly before leading Setsuna down the aisles to the doors on the far end of the room.

There were three doors. "Left is the men, right is the crazies, and we are in the middle." Tiffany smiled and put her hand on a palm scanner. A green light flashed and the door swung open. Tiffany motioned Setsuna forward. As she crossed the threshold balloons and streamers fell down from the sky. "SURPRISE!" millions of girls yelled. Setsuna found herself dog piled and hugged by many scantly clad women. Generally speaking, Setsuna wouldn't have minded that much but she was in a fragile state alone and without her sisters. She crawled out from under the screaming teens and took her first breaths of clean air. "Come on girls, you're scaring her. Give her some space, you remember when you guys first became Sues!" scolded Tiffany. This calmed them down and they stood smiling at Setsuna.

The blue and silver haired fictive bit her lip. "Whatchu staring at?' She asked peevishly.

Tiffany gave her a hand to stand up. Setsuna continued to glare at the girls.

"Um... are you sure she isn't an anti sue? I think she might be a bit cracked." A leopard girl with long tawny hair and bright green eyes said.

Tiffany glared "She's just a bit skittish. She's been her own character for so long I'm sure it's strange being under the curse. She'll be better after the initiation."

"But that's not for like hours! I've waited so long for Setsy to be one of us. Cant we just initiate her now?" whined a girl with ebony hair dressed in a slytherine uniform.

"No! You know the rules. We wait until the mother comes back." Tiffany chastised.

"But you know she's always late." a Vulcan teen rolled her eyes.

"No buts! We still have to sort her anyway. Then give her a makeover. By that time I'm sure the mother will be back."

The gathering of Mary Sues grumbled but reluctantly gave way.

Tiffany smiled brilliantly "Good! Now let's go get her sorted!"

"YAY!"

Setsuna was carried by a wave of crazy, sex-hormone induced, scary-powerful teens. She was directed to sit on a three legged stool. Tiffany brought out a highly shined wood box out and opened it. Inside was a pink and purple velvet... sorting hat? ahem... yes. A pink and purple velvet hat that looked like the Harry Potter's hat's ritzy cousin. It was placed on Setsuna's head. Her eyes turned upward to look at the brim.

"Let us see..." said a silky sex phone operator's voice.

Setsuna eeped.

"Oh don't be so surprised you dolt." The hat said. "Hm... You're not really all that wimpy and pathetic are you? You don't hide behind men anyways?" Setsuna shook her head. "Then no Victim!Sue... You are loud and obnoxious... Do you have much of a tortured past?"

Setsuna shrugged. "People died, but they do that all the time."

"True... probably not a Warrior!Sue then... What about Mage!Sue? You're all magical like right?

Setsuna again shrugged "Yeah... but I'm not some Sailor Scout."

Meanwhile back at the Bat cave... or in front of the Mary Sue House, Marieko burst out into random giggles. Raye and Bunny just stared at her. The Author continued to laugh so hard she had to plop down on the concrete while tears washed down her face. After a few minuets her hysterics died down enough that she could now have the semblance of sanity.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say, What the hell?" Bunny asked.

"I don't know. I sometimes start laughing for no reason what so ever but usually not that much... must have been something ironic." the avatar author nodded.

"Okie then..." Raye brought them back to the subject at hand. "Generally speaking a forcefeild like this isn't held by a person, but rather some sort of anchor or machine. It would probably be located behind the shield unless it is needed outside for some twist of plot." Raye explained sagely.

Marieko blinked "I need to get rid of Setsuna more often. You're so much better at being smart than she is."

Raye smiled "I always thought so."

"Let's search the area just in case we have a twist of plot." Bunny said. "Then we'll decide our course of action from there."

Back inside the House of Sue

"I don't think you're angsty enough to be Punk!Sue... too blatantly pretty to be Misfit!Sue... so not a Sweet!Sue...or Helpful!Sue... no Barbie!Sue..." The hat rambled on and on. "Oh! Got it! You are so totally a Naughty!Sue. You drink, smoke, get arrested, you have scars and piercings, you're a whore, you're not really much with the untamed hair and smoldering eyes but oh well."

"Hear that girls? Setsuna's the newest recruit for the Naughty Sue!"

"Oh joy." said a girl with wild red hair and smoldering green eyes. She and her group were scantly clad in leather and fishnet.

"Skank, you know the drill. You and your crew take her and make her over!" Tiffany said, taking the hat from Setsuna's head and pushing her towards the bad-ass bitches in the corner.

"Skank?" Setsuna asked skeptically.

"My real name's Melody. But don't call me that. I'm proud of Skank." the girl explained.

"Uh-huh."

A girl with messy black hair and dark make-up grabbed Setsuna. Come on new recruit. Lets get you Slutted up!"

Setsuna looked down at her torn jeans and off the shoulder graffiti T-shirt. "Eep?" she said.


	8. The Mother

Setsuna was dragged into a room with bright fluorescent lights. She was thrown onto a black leather spinny seat that was situated in front of a vanity painted with black lacquer. It would have been shiny if it wasn't so dirty and scratched. Make-up and hair protects lay scattered on its surface. As she looked around Setsuna noticed that one wall was taken up by a huge closet and the other was taken up by mirror. 

"Okay, let's first start with that hair. So not messy enough." said Skank. "It really would be better if we dyed it black or red but... it's not aloud." she said mockingly "Stupid au naturelle rules." she muttered. She looked into the mirror at Setsuna's reflection, then back to her head a few times before saying. "Teasing comb."

An hour and two bottles of hairspray later, Setsuna's hair looked like a magical rat's nest. What was magical about it is that it still somehow looked good.

"Next we go to make-up." Skank said, turning Setsuna around in her chair. "Let's get to work ladies!" she said as about five crowded around. Setsuna swallowed nervously.

Another hour passed before they let her look back in the mirror. Her eyes were darkened with black eyeshadow and mascara, giving her that smokey eyed look. Her lips were reddened to the colour of blood. How it took them an hour to slap on some lipstick and shadow we'll never know, but they did.

"Wardrobe time!" Skank announced cheerily. Setsuna was dragged before the closet and told to stand still.

After about two hours they finally settled on an outfit. Setsuna was dressed in a black 'misfits' T, cut to show off her midriff. A skull piercing lay on her belly button as spiked cuffs closed over her wrists. A black leather skirt showed off more than it covered, and from it fishnet stockings traveled down her legs. Spike heeled boots completed this outfit.

Setsuna just stared.  
Meanwhile, with her sisters and author

"It's been four hours. We've searched this whole damn place. What the hell are we supposed to do next?" Bunny asked, kicking a rock.

"This fucking sucks." Raye said moodily "We have accomplished nothing and Setsuna's in there and their doing Gods know what to her."

"And I'm stuck looking like this." Marieko looked about to cry.

"You look like you could use some help." Pointed out a voice behind them.

"And the award for the most obvious statement ever goes to-" Marieko's voice trailed off as she got a look at the speaker. "You wouldn't be-"

The figure smiled "Yes I am."

Back to Setsuna

Setsuna was once again brought to the main room. "She's all Naughty-fied!" Skank announced.

"So we can see. And the mother just got back. We are all to meet in the chamber now. You're about to become one of us Setsy, aren't you excited?"

"ecstatic." She replied in monotone.

She was led through a door down stone steps. Blindly she walked, too caught in the moment to even think. She noticed when they were no longer descending and instead walking on level ground. She looked up to see are cavernous room filled to the brim with people. She saw both men and women, understanding that all Mary Sue types were gathered. The crowd parted as she was led to a dais. Her eyes were drawn to the figure standing there. Her eyes widened in recognition and understanding.

The woman had long white hair and skin almost as pale. Her eyes were almost too large for her face, and as green as any emerald. Her long eyelashes were dark and accentuated her eyes. Her nose was small and pert, while her lips were bow shaped and pouty. She was very thin almost anorexicly so, yet curvy. She was wearing a loose white gown that flowed to leave much of her shoulders and all of her arms bare. The neckline was almost alarmingly low, yet still tasteful. The dress reached her feet, which were bare. Silver cuffs decorated her wrists.

"You... look so familiar." Setsuna whispered.

Outside the House of Mary

"Are you sure this'll work. It's kind of... Hollywood." Bunny asked skeptically.

"How better to get to the most used character IN Hollywood?" asked their new found helper.

"Point."

"Look, I got you past the barriers, so you're going to have to trust me. I know that's hard to ask coming from me but..."

"We understand." Raye consoled "Don't worry."

Right now they were positioned on top of the roof of the house. The fictive dressed in black, who vowed to help them save Setsuna, was cutting through the skylight with advanced space technology. Without sound she lifted the glass off to reveal a hole big enough for a person. "You got the rope ready?" She asked Raye.

"Yeppers. I'll go down first to secure it, then I'll pull three times and we go down one at a time. Don't get on the rope until you see it being pulled." She reiterated.

"Yes cap'n." Marieko saluted.

Raye stuck out the tongue before beginning to quickly shimmy down the rope. They waited for what seemed like hours before they finally saw the rope dance three times. Bunny began to climb.

"Thanks again... for helping us." Marieko whispered.

"Hey, it's what I'm here for. I wouldn't wish Mary Sueism on anyone. My existence was pretty paltry you gotta admit. All five paragraphs of it."

Their conversation was cut short by the rope signal. Marieko began her decent.

Once they were all on the ground, they began towards the door which would lead to stairs.

In the Chamber

"Welcome, sister Setsuna Luna Hellsing." The Mother in white said.

"You... I know you." she said.

This elicited a smile from her "As you should."

"Who are you?" Setsuna asked, confused.

"My name is... Dia."

* * *

Author: XD Okay... it's an inside joke. Chi-chan will understand. I'll explain everything next chapter probably. It amused the hell out of me though.


	9. Mutant Spiders Sitting On The Wall

Author: MWAHAHA THE LAST CHAPTER!! SCOREAGE!!

* * *

Setsuna looked confused "But…"

The Mother smiled "All will come to you in time, but just now… Let us begin the ceremony!"

Setsuna's would be rescuers were running down the stairs

Two Mary Sues grabbed Setsuna by the arms and began leading her to the Mother. Setsuna began to struggle "No! Wait!"

Marieko stumbled on the stairs and Raye steadied her

"Hurry!" Bunny hollered

"You try running down these stairs in stilettos!"

Setsuna was forced to kneel in front of the Mother. "As we are all of one body and one mind let us welcome another story into ours" She intoned. She cut her palm and a thin stream of blood began to run.

They finally reached the end of the stairway. Bunny tried to open the door "It's stuck!"

A Mary Sue grabbed Setsuna's hand and with a long blade broke her skin. Her hand was raised to meet the Mother's.

"Out of the way!" yelled Marieko. She ran at the door and gave it a kick.

Splintering wood was heard as the girls broke into the chamber. "STOP EVERYTHING!" Yelled Marieko.

Setsuna pulled her hand out of the grasp of the Mary Sue "AUTHOR-CHAN!" she yelled.

"You bet your sweet fictional ass."

Everyone stared in silence.

"Yeah… that was a little creepy... forget I just said that."

"Welcome Author and fictives. Please come forward." A path was cleared in the sea of Mary Sues.

Marieko gasped when she saw the Mother. "Oh shitake mushrooms. Fuck me. I mean don't!" she yelled when people began to inch towards her. "Um… you're um… me?" she said to the Mother.

The Mother giggled "Not quite. I am the you, you created once. The very epitome of Mary Suedome."

"So how'd you get to be Queen or whatever?"

"Well it is your story."

Marieko smiled sheepishly "oh yeah…"



A figure from the crowd gasped "It's Mary Sue!" she pointed at the figure that had helped the girls get into the building.

"Traitor" hissed a few.

Lieutenant Mary Sue stepped into the light, "Oh shut up! Don't act all high and mighty. You are all just two bit characters used to make pimply overweight nerds feel better!"

"Um… I resent that a little bit…" Marieko said, wincing.

"Sorry Author-chan. It just gets me so steamed. I mean the Authors didn't mean to create these monsters. They were made with the best intentions. It's just… Characters are so difficult to create realistically. It's so easy to create people who help the storyline along and get all the right answers."

"Cough. Harry Potter. Cough." Choked Marieko.

"It takes actual talent to create real people who make mistakes and who ARE the story line. Characters you can't just pull out of the air. The kind you really have to get to know. It's the character's responsibility to become that, to inspire the Writers and show them the story. Writers are merely a conduit that we must speak through."

A sniffing brought everyone's attention back to the Mother "That was beautiful." She said, tears decorating her eyes like diamonds. "From now on we shall not search for converts, but rather house and teach those who must learn to be three dimensional. The Curse will be lifted."

"But how?" asked a random Marty Stu.

"By my conversion. Author-chan… will you do the honours?" she lifted her hand out to Marieko.

"Sure." Marieko took her hand and light unfurled them.

As it dimmed they could make out two figures. One was Marieko who had regained her former form. The other had long, light brown hair, was five foot two and weighed approximately 150 pounds. She had hazel eyes hidden behind glasses.

Setsuna stood up "I can't believe I had to be rescued. What the fuck Author-chan? What of all that shit about women shouldn't have to be rescued? Huh? What happened to that?"

"Well excuse me for coming up with an innovative idea!"

Raye and Bunny exchanged glances "why did we want everything to be back to normal?"

"Well see if I ever give you guys vacation time again!"

"Well I don't want a vacation if I'm going to be spending it like this! Look at my hair! It will take days to straighten it!"

"When did you become emo?"

"I'm not emo I just like perfectly styled hair!"

Raye sighed. "You grab Sets, I'll grab Author-chan."

"I have a better idea." Said Mary Sue.

She pointed what appeared to be a screwdriver at the yelling fictive and Writer. A beam of light shot out and they both collapsed in a dead sleep.

"Isn't that-" started Dia, pointing at the screwdriver.

"It's best you don't ask." Said Mary Sue.

Bunny and Raye picked up Setsuna and Marieko-chan. "We will be on our way now. Hopefully Author-sama will get some inspiration after she wakes up and we'll get to do something more exciting and less delirious." Raye said. "Not that I have anything against Delirium."

"I'll transport you out. Thank you all for your help. Oh and Mary Sue, you're welcome to stay if you like."

"Sure why not."

Bluish light left the Hellsings blinking and when they woke up they were back home. But that, my readers is another story.

* * *

Author: Yeah, forgive me for everything. Like the fact i havent written in forever, and i chose to update this one... and it's not my best work. and there are wholes...

Bunny: Like what the hell is with the screwdriver?

Author: I've been watching alot of Doctor Who.

Group: OHHHH.

Author: yeah... so this was the last (vaguely anticlimatic) chapter. Hopefully you (vaguely) injoyed it!


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